Berkley--2

It is so hard for me to believe my little 4 lb, 13 oz miracle baby is now two years old! I mean, seriously, where have the last two years gone?

It's been a blur, let me tell you. All I can say is that since this child entered our home and our family, our lives have never been the same! She breathes happiness and delight into our very core, and we couldn't imagine our family without her.

Sometimes, when I take a minute to really ponder the absolute wonder of it all--how Berkley became a part of our family--it humbles me and fills me with a deep sense of gratitude for the immense goodness of God and his desire to bless our lives, for I am certain this child was part of our family long before we ever existed here. In fact, she fits in so naturally, I forget she was adopted at all. If it wasn't for her wild afro curls and her chocolate brown skin, I would have a hard time being convinced I didn't give birth to this beautiful little girl. She has felt such a natural part of our family and our world, and I will never forget the first time I saw her and held her in my arms and realized she was familiar to me.

And now she is two years old! And a very active, strong-willed, spirited little girl, let me tell you. She keeps us all on our toes. She loves to climb and jump on the tramp and sing and dance. She loves eating chips and popcorn and cookies and anything else that isn't good for her. She has the most wonderful hug on the planet--with both arms clasped tightly around your neck in the sweetest squeeze. She is especially crazy about four kids--her siblings--who would move the world for her if she asked them to. She is a tease and a flirt and a handful, and I'm so, so profoundly grateful she is mine.

Here are a few birthday pictures. She didn't understand what it was all about, but she sure enjoyed the attention, the balloons, the cake and the gifts.

We went to the park as a family recently and snapped these photos of Berkley. I am so glad I thought to throw this little bench in our car (I really hoped to get some shots of her since she had just turned 2) because she loved sitting on it and "posing" for the pictures. To me, she is one of the most beautiful creatures ever!

I will forever be grateful to Berkley's birth mother who made the decision to give her up so she could have a complete family. And I will never be able to thank God enough for the inspiration, the courage, the faith He blessed Dan and I with to adopt. It was definitely one of the most difficult decisions we have ever made as a married couple--one that took the utmost faith--but it was also one of the most rewarding decisions we've ever made together as well, for this little girl is one of our choicest blessings!

The Writing on the Wall

You just never know when something very ordinary (like some foam bath letters) can turn into something kinda great. Who would have ever guessed when we gave Berkley some foam letters for the bathtub for Christmas this past year that the rest of our family would end up enjoying this gift more than Berkley? I mean, seriously, we are talking about some silly foam letters.

I'm not sure when or how it started, but one day I got in the shower and found this one the shower wall:

Wow! That's about all I could say. I had no idea who had posted it or why, but I have to say, it made me smile all day. I mean, who doesn't want to be "1 Hot Mom?" I asked everyone in the family who left me such a fabulous message, but no one would fess up to it. I must have made a big enough deal about it to arouse interest, however, because pretty soon I was getting notes on a regular basis.

I'm not going to lie--I was loving this new practice in our home! I found myself looking forward to my shower just to see if there happened to be another fabulous message on the wall, saying how wonderful I was!

Then one day, it occurred to me that maybe I should return the favor and allow someone else(or a few someone elses) to feel fabulous for a change (I know, I should have figured this out sooner--I guess I was enjoying the praise a little too much:). So I wrote this:

The kids loved this, of course, and so they wrote back:

I know this sounds utterly ridiculous, but these messages did so much for me! I mean, life tends to kick the air right out of a person on a pretty regular basis. And let's face it, motherhood can be especially grueling at times, so it just felt so good to hear (or in this case, see) some positive reinforcement from my kids. Not that they don't get frustrated with me regularly and roll their eyes at me and tell me all the things I'm doing wrong, BUT at the end of the day, I think they really have tender, loving feelings toward me, and I am so grateful for that.

Here are a couple more messages I happen to love (you must keep in mind that when spelling with only   alphabet letters--one each--and the numbers 1-10, the spelling has to get creative sometimes:)

I'm not sure what "Amazingo" is exactly, but I'll take it!

So, I was enjoying this little banter back and forth with my kids so much I could hardly stand it, until one day I was showering away with a huge smile on my face and another revelation occurred to me: maybe my husband would like to be included (duh)! So, I thought and thought about what meaningful thing I could put on the shower wall that would tell my husband how much I loved him. To simply write, "I love you, Dan" or something was too obvious. No, it had to be something better. Finally I had an idea, and I have to say, I was pretty proud of what I came up with:

Sometimes the notes were just thoughtful little messages like this one that Hallee left before Dan and I went on a baseball trip with Nate to St. George:

I had to respond, of course:

Then, after my surgery, I found this sweet little message on the wall:

So simple, but man alive, it meant a lot to me. I have noticed my children starting to pray for each other and for me, and it just touches my heart so deeply. This was almost as great.

Here's what I wrote back:

Sometimes, the letters were even used to apologize:

I love it! Who would ever believe that a family could come up with a way to write some of the sweetest, most loving sentiments of their hearts to each other using something as silly and simple as foam bath letters?

The last message I wrote was just a few days ago, and it said this:

Although my kids are far from perfect and they drive me absolutely crazy at times, I truly feel they are awesome kids, and man alive, I am grateful they are mine! Mostly, I am grateful for family life--the little moments of joy, the satisfaction of growth, the tiny perks that make life so good.

And let me just end by saying, if you need a little way to spice things up a bit in your home and start some positive communication with each other, I have the best idea--foam bath letters!

Something(s) to Smile About

Yikes! I have so much I want to record and I just can't get to the computer to do it. I keep thinking I will enter a phase in life when I will have the time and freedom to write as much and as often as I would like, but I'm definitely not close to that now. Even as I plunk out a few words now, my time is limited, so I've decided to simply post a few moments I've happened to capture recently that make me smile from deep within, moments that make me to-the-core grateful I am a mother.

First--Hallee. Okay, so looking at this horrible ankle picture, you've got to wonder why on earth this would make me smile. Truthfully, it didn't at first. It made me groan--over and over. Hallee was playing volleyball in a little tournament in practice and came down on someone's foot. It was a pretty bad fall, and I knew immediately she had done some damage. This is what her ankle looked like by the time we got home. Ouch! I took her to the doctor the next day and he told us she had torn a major ligament in her foot (can't remember the name of it right now) and would need to sit out of volleyball for 4-6 weeks. Well, that was horrible news. She had two tournaments coming up in the next two weekends.

Now to the part that's actually happy about all of this. I'm so proud of how Hallee has handled the whole situation. She absolutely loves volleyball and sitting out has been emotionally painful, to say the least, but she has had the best attitude. Not only that, she has gone to the tournaments and cheered her team on. That makes me very happy. Anything that helps build character in my children makes me happy.

The other perk of this injury is that I've been able to spend more time with this girl--something I love--as we've gone to physical therapy together. There's always sunshine after the rain, right?

Here is her foot after a few days. The swelling spread out and man, was it bruised.

Then her toes turned black and blue and looked like they might fall off (they didn't, of course, but she said they felt like they might:)

The other thing about Hallee that makes me smile all the time is how she plays with Berkley. They are so darling together, and Berkley loves this girl, let me tell you. I love this picture where Berkley is trying to do just what Hallee does. So cute!

Next is Nate. I wish I had more pictures of this boy because man alive, he is busy! He has been playing basketball and baseball for months now and is such a little athlete. What makes me smile, though, is how diligent and concerned he is with his school work, despite his schedule. He has been such a great asset to his class this year, especially his teacher, who has had a bit of a stressful year.

We recently had an experience with Nate that made me smile with every piece of my heart. He was feeling a bit discouraged about baseball and began complaining to his Dad and I that he wished he could have more chances to play more positions (he plays center field). We encouraged him to set up a meeting with his coaches and talk with them about it in an appropriate way. He agreed it was a good idea, so Dan set up a meeting and the three of us met with two of his coaches. I told Nate this was his deal and that his dad and I were there to support him, but he needed to do the talking. I wondered how it would go, knowing it would not be an easy thing to do. I also encouraged him to apologize for his behavior the weekend before when he had pouted a few times after striking out. We had had a conversation about appropriate ways to deal with disappointment and frustration and how pouting was never acceptable. I knew I was asking a lot of this kid, but I felt this was a great opportunity for personal growth.

I was so impressed with what took place! We sat down and Nate began the conversation by looking those coaches right in the eye and saying he first wanted to apologize for his behavior the weekend before. I was somewhat shocked, to be honest, but so proud of him. I think his coaches were caught a bit off guard, too, but they talked with him about it and gave him some great advice on how to handle strike-outs in the future and how to be a good leader on his team in regards to this. Then Nate asked calmly where they saw him playing this season because he hoped to be able to develop some new skills and have opportunities to play in a couple of different positions he had been working hard on (like pitching). What ensued was an open and honest conversation about his abilities, what he could work on, and what they all hoped to accomplish this season. Dan and I hardly said a word. It was simply a wonderful conversation between Nate and his coaches. It was open and respectful, and I was just as happy as a mother could be! I hope he remembers this experience so he can always handle things so well.

And here is a picture of Nate pitching in a game recently. Because he has worked so hard at it and expressed a desire to be given the opportunity at times to show what he can do, he has been able to pitch a couple of times, and I have to say, he's done quite well. 

Regyn is next. That girl just makes me smile regularly. She is so upbeat and helpful. I've been extremely grateful for her obedience lately and desire to just be a peacemaker (something my other kids, quite honestly, have been struggling with). Regyn also happens to be very dramatic. This is a bandaging job she did recently on what she considered a major injury. Six bandaids and one wetwipe later, she felt so much better!:) The funny part is that there is only a tiny little floor burn under all those bandaids. I tried my hardest not to say anything about the price of bandaids or the practicality of only using one on such a small owie, but I'm afraid I didn't succeed. Darn! It's a weakness of mine. Maybe next time.

Now to Boston. He jumped on my bed the other day looking like he was fresh from a Home Alone scene--slicked up hair, bathrobe and everything! He told me to take a picture. It was so adorable, I just smiled from ear to ear. Man, I love this kid (even though he's been a tough one lately)!

Here is a close-up of this handsome boy.

I've decided I need a separate post of Berkley. She is just at that age when she does stuff to crack me up every day. Here are just a few moments that have made me smile lately.

She has started posing when I say I want to take her picture. This is her favorite pose.

Is this cute or what? Little ones in towels make me smile.

Berkley loves doing funny faces or funny things with her eyes. She thinks she is so hilarious--and she kinda is!

She loves the frosting on cakes and cupcakes but not the actual cake. Here is her latest frosting mustache.

It cracks me up how early little ones learn about technology these days. Here Berkley is listening to Hallee's Ipod. Again with her facial expression. Makes me smile every time.

 Lastly, any time my children spend time together (without fighting), I smile from ear to ear. Here are a few shots of such times.

Here they are playing Minute to Win It. The next few shots are of this crazy game.

This really makes me smile. It's Boston with vaseline on his nose from one of the Minute to Win It games. So funny!

Oh, and I can't forget this guy. He makes me smile every day, he's such a great husband and father. Here is a snapshot of him (or at least the top of his head) during our Minute to Win It FHE. I love it!

So many things to make me smile. And boy, do I love to smile!

When Your Best is Inadequate--but Enough

It's been a while since I've been able to get to the computer to write. Life is busy, of course, but the main reason I have been MIA, so to speak, is that I have not been well. For the past three months I have struggled with a couple of health issues that have made life so much more difficult than normal. The good thing about phases like this is that they always make me appreciate the strong, healthy body I usually have and the ability to take care of my family.

Thankfully, none of my problems are life-threatening or long-lasting, but I mention them because I have struggled to feel adequate in my efforts as a mother and wife the past few months, often feeling weighed down with thoughts of failure and disappointment that I have not been as attentive, as consistent, as patient, as fully committed to our family system as I usually am. I think these feelings can creep up so easily and begin to destroy our self-worth, making us feel like we are not enough, when in fact we are.

In January, my neurologist put me on a new medication to try to prevent migraine headaches. It sounded so great to think I could live a life without constant head pain, but after only a few days on the medication, I realized the remedy might be worse than the original problem. I experienced every side effect possible, including numb hands and feet, dizziness, shakiness, dry mouth, stomach cramps, inability to think clearly, and more. After only one week I told my husband I wasn't sure I could deal with it all. I promised myself I would give it a fair shot, however, and would continue the medication for at least one month.

It was not easy. I found myself being exhausted by 5:00 p.m., and if I sat down for any period of time, I would immediately fall asleep. I had to literally force myself to keep going until bedtime. I had to force my mind to think through the fogginess and mentally talk myself through times when I thought I would pass out, like when I was teaching Relief Society lessons. My life was not the same.

On top of this new medication, I was experiencing acute abdominal pain almost daily due to ovarian cysts that kept forming and rupturing. Some nights I would be in severe pain, wondering if I needed to go to the Emergency Room. I never did go; I just talked myself through each experience, reminding myself I made it through the last one and could do it again. I went to my doctor numerous times (Dan went with me each time--he's so wonderful in that way, so caring and involved), and we would spend a lot of time discussing options, trying to decide what to do. His approach was to exhaust every option before doing a surgery to remove everything. I thought being cautious was a good idea, but when the options we tried did not help at all, we decided surgery was necessary.

Last week I had a hysterectomy and a removal of my left ovary as well. I hope this isn't too much information to share on a blog, but it's hard to share my thoughts without being straight forward about what I've been dealing with. I spent one night in the hospital and then came home to heal. Holy cow! Let me just tell you, it is not an easy surgery to heal from. Many women who had experienced hysterectomies told me I was going to be down and out for at least a couple of weeks and to not overdo it, to just be patient. I listened. But, to be honest, I just thought I would be different. I have had many surgeries and have bounced back from each one without a hitch. I was sure this would be the same.

Wrongo!

I have hardly been able to function at all, spending most of my time on the couch or in bed. Just a few days after surgery, I got a migraine. This was the second one in less than two weeks. I stopped taking the medication--cold turkey--which I do not recommend (one is supposed to gradually wean off of it).

Needless to say, I have been quite miserable. And needless to say, I have not been at the top of my game as a mother and wife--not even close--for the past three months. All of these health issues have worn me down and made life so much more difficult. I had so many days when it was all I could do to endure the day and cover the basics, let alone go the extra mile. And because of this, little by little, I have felt worthless and discouraged, knowing my children need more of me than I can give them.

I guess I'm sharing all of this because, as uncomfortable as this whole experience has been, I am learning some things that I think are so valuable. And the most important one is this: We can only do our best--sometimes our best is absolutely amazing and sometimes it's barely adequate, but if it's our best, it's enough! When life is good, and I am healthy, I can be the consistent, focused, present, patient, on-the-ball mother I feel my children really need and deserve. When life's circumstances intrude and I am struggling with health issues, my best may only include the barest important basics of the day. Either way, I am enough.

It's so hard to remember that. I see my children slowly unraveling due to my inability to be fully engaged like normal, and it's easy to blame myself and feel discouraged. I've had to constantly remind myself that I will heal, I will regain my strength, and I will be able to mother in full force again. Until then, my children will be okay. Yes, they will probably have an adjustment period where they must be reminded of what is really expected; and yes, it will probably take some time and serious effort to get everything under control again. But we will get through it.

I want to write all of this now, when I am weak and struggling, so I can remember clearly this important truth. And I want my girls to know it wasn't always easy. I want them to know I battled discouragement and inadequacy at times, but I got through it, and so can they. I want them to read this and know that they are enough, even when life seems to shout they are not.

I feel so blessed to be healthy most of the time and able to take care of my family. I know there are women who struggle with far bigger health issues, ones that never go away, and my heart goes out to them. I know I will heal and I will regain my strength, and I am learning to really appreciate that. I also have tremendous gratitude for the many people who have stepped in and helped our family--with dinners, child care (my three youngest children went to Wyoming for 5 days, being cared for by my sister and parents), cards, flowers, and more. The service rendered has helped significantly! I am so grateful for an abundance of wonderful people in my life!

Life is good. There is always so much to be grateful for. But when times are a little tough and I am less than I want to be, I hope I can remember I am still enough!

This is pretty much what I've looked like for a week. Yesterday Berkley fell asleep and snuggled up to me. It was heaven. I thought she would be mad at me for leaving her in Wyoming for nearly a week, but when she got home, she smothered me over and over with kisses and just kept repeating, "Mama." It was the sweetest thing ever!

Help Them Aim High

I have always felt that one of my main purposes as a mother is to help my children reach their fullest potential. I know that sounds like a no-brainer, but I didn't fully understand the full measure of that responsibility until my children started growing up and their personalities started developing and I began noticing all they were capable of. The amazing thing about it is that this process began much earlier than I ever imagined it would, when my children were small. I never expected to notice certain gifts in my children when they were young, but I have found children these days to be truly amazing and it has not taken years of maturity and life experience to bring out some of their strengths, however simple they may be, such as a kind heart or the gift to forgive easily or perhaps the ability to lead others.

President Henry B. Eyring, First Counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints shared an inspired message on the topic of helping our children aim high in this past October General Conference. He explained how every person has been blessed with specific gifts and encouraged parents to help children recognize the spiritual gifts with which they are born. He says this, "Every person is different and has a different contribution to make. No one is destined to fail." I love that statement! He then encourages us to help our children aim high.

President Eyring said we as parents need to build our sons' faith that the Lord can transform them into servants "braver than the timid boys we see." Isn't that a powerful thought? He said the greatest gift we could give our youth is to hold the goal of eternal life as families out in front of them. He talked about his daughters, too, and said when he prayerfully sought guidance, he was shown ways to help his "daughters recognize the trust God had placed in them as servants who could build His kingdom." He explains that "God loves each of His children as individuals and sees great and unique gifts in each of them"  and tells us as parents that we "will be inspired to help others discover their special gifts from God."

President Eyring shared one way he helped his own children to aim high. He carved personal inscriptions on boards for his sons, with carefully selected scriptures and special dates carved into each board. The boards were designed to help each son see his spiritual gifts and what he might contribute in the Lord's work as he grew older.

I loved this idea! Not being much of a carver, however, I wondered what I could do to help my sons--and my daughters--understand their intrinsic value and have a desire to serve the Lord. I have noticed certain attributes in my children that endear me to them, attributes I feel the need to help them develop deeply and turn into strengths that can be used in the service of God and others. The question is, how do I help my children understand these qualities and help them have a strong desire to develop them?

An idea came to me when I was in Hawaii, of all places, on a little vacation away from my family. While at the Polynesian Cultural Center, I came across a booth that was selling bracelets that had names inscribed in Hawaiian. The draw was that a person could have a bracelet made with their own name inscribed (even with original spelling) in the Hawaiian language. I thought this was pretty cool, but I had a better idea! With my children in mind, I chose an attribute for each child and had that attribute inscribed in Hawaiian on a personally chosen bracelet. The downside was that I was not feeling well and could hardly think straight. It seems like a simple task to come up with a single word to describe each of my children, but I'm telling you, it was anything but easy. I wanted the perfect word for them, the one word that would help shape their very souls and their futures, and so I racked my brain (and my mother-in-law's, who happened to be with me at the moment) until we finally came up with five words--one for each of my children. Looking back, I probably would have done a couple of them a little differently, but all in all, I think it was successful, and hopefully there was some inspiration involved.

First is Berkley: Her word is "Makana," which means, "the gift." She is such a gift in our lives, I couldn't help but put this inscription on her bracelet.

Next is Boston: His word is "Wiwo 'Ole," which means "Courage." My hope for him is that he will have the courage to stand up for what is right and the courage to be the young man God wants him to be.

This is for Regyn: Her word is "Manaoio," which means "faith." To me, faith is one of the most important attributes needed in the world today. Without it, one just won't make it. With it, there is power to do and become anything. Faith in God and His Son makes all the difference. Oh, how I hope for this in my sweet daughter!

This is Nate's bracelet: His word is "Koa," which means "warrior." This was not hard to choose for him. I have always seen him as a warrior, a warrior for the truth. ( I love the little warrior guy that is in scripted by the word, btw).  

Lastly, Hallee: Her word is "Pono," which means "virtue." I had a hard time choosing a word for her because . . . idk. . .I just wasn't sure what fit best. But then it just came to me. Virtue. A trait that seems to be fading in the world today. I thought of my sweet, beautiful daughter, and I chose this word.

Then later, in a special Family Home Evening, we talked about President Eyring's message. I shared my love for each of my children, calling them up one by one, looking each of them in the eyes, and presenting them with a special bracelet with their inscribed word. Along with the bracelet, I had made laminated scripture messages that went along with the attribute. I told them to put the scripture in a place they would see it often and remember their special gift.

These pictures are all out of order, but you get the idea.

Nate's word is WARRIOR,  and his scripture describes the Stripling Warriors in the Book of Mormon (remember his poster from Christmas of the StriplingWarriors? So fitting). I love the attributes of these young men (valiant, firm and undaunted, obedient, courageous, thought more of others than themselves, etc.) and feel if my son could possibly develop these in any way, he could make such a difference in the world. He seems to be born to lead, and these are the attributes of a good leader. I talked to him about being a warrior for truth and righteousness, no matter what was happening around him. I hope and pray he can become this kind of young man. It won't be easy.

Regyn's scripture was about FAITH. There are lots of scriptures about faith, but for some reason, this is the one that felt right to me. It's from the Book of Mormon again.

This is Hallee's poster from Christmas, too. It's of Esther. She stuck her scripture in the corner of this, which was pretty fitting, if you ask me. 

Hallee's word was VIRTUE. I just love this scripture! So simple but so profound and powerful! It's found in Proverbs.

Berkley's scripture is about GIFTS. Berkley is such a gift in our lives that I couldn't help but make her a bracelet that said "gift." I found these scriptures in the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants that talk about gifts, and I thought they were perfect.

Boston's word was COURAGE. This scripture was about the Stripling Warriors, too.  I love the word "valiant" and think it goes along with courage so well, especially when talking about being courageous in doing what is right. Oh, how I hope my children will develop these attributes!

Truthfully, I'm not sure Boston totally caught on to how important the whole concept/experience  really was (although he's taken excellent care of the bracelet), and it wasn't exactly the completely silent, gigantic spiritual experience I always hope for as I mentally plan these events, but I will tell you that the experience with Hallee was worth it all. I called her up and told her about her word, "pono," which means virtue, and I read her scripture to her about a virtuous woman being worth more than rubies. I told her how absolutely beautiful she is--inside and out--and how virtue is so hard to find in the world today, but I knew if she would remain virtuous, the Lord had amazing things in store for her. I told her how very much I loved her, and the tears just streamed down both our faces, the air thick with love and the spirit. It was one of those sweet, tender moments you never want to forget.


Now, of course this little gift is only one small step in the journey of helping my children understand who they really are and who they are meant to become, but I'm so grateful for every time I get some sort of inspiration that moves us in the right direction. Nate left recently for a baseball tournament in Phoenix  AZ and it was great to say, "Son, remember who you are. You are a warrior," and I knew he knew exactly what I meant.

I've been told I'm a bit intense and that it's possible I expect too much of my children. Maybe it's true. All I know is I look at these kids of mine, and I see all they are capable of, and I know I can't let them down by being too casual about things of great importance. I just can't. And so I plan to do all I can to help them aim high because . . . well, I just love them so darn much and I know they can do it!

Here they are modeling their bracelets (ok, "modeling" might be a strong word, but you get the picture:).